A guy walks into a crow bar
It's a murder scene
I love when you coddle me.
I fence-y you.
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow.
When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?!
Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy...
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Do you play soccer? Because I think I'm gonna score tonight.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
What is a medieval owl called?
A knight owl.
Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!
My partner got mad when she found so much spam on my computer.
She said, "Food belongs on a plate!"
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
Did you hear about the potato that got its head chopped off? It was decap-potatoed.
What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
Chances are both will end up in the gutter.
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
Did you get your license suspended for driving so many guys crazy?
What do alligators and Windows have in common?
Neither of them has enough bytes!
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no-body to go with.
What do you call an imaginary color?
A pigment of your imagination.
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
In order to get an accurate count of the herd, the farmer uses a cow-culator.
What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
That’s a beautiful dog. Does she have a phone number?
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
How do bats greet a friend?
With a sound wave.
What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.
Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
How much does a corn flake weigh?
1 Kelloggram.
This year I'm carving my pumpkin to look like an intricate ball of rope, so it can be a gourd-ian knot.
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
Q: What did the tornado say to the sportscar?
A: I’m taking you for a quick spin!
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.
Wow, two teaspoons? Lucky for you, I’m a pretty good spooner myself.
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
Bad spelling makes me sic.
When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!
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