What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.

Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.

My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.

We like rough sets. As long as you practice safe sets, there isn’t a problem.

Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.

If you were a laser, you'd be set on stunning.

What does an artist call his sketch pad? A house.

Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.

"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham

I Wanna Be Your Man

Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!

I’d be Madeline if I didn’t say I was dying to get to know you

“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison

What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

I’m not usually one for Austin-tatious pickup lines, but I decided to make an exception for you.

Babe, you are the only brand I desire and I want no substitution.

Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.

What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.

Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.

You know what they say? Words.

What do you get if you put an alligator in a blender?
Gatorade.

An electrocuted turtle feels shell-shocked.

What do dogs like to drink? Kit-Tea.

What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!

The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!

"You're not Mr. Right.... just Mr. Right Now."

The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.

Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.

"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong

Hmm, there seems to be a kiss of mint in this blend. How about a real kiss, just to be sure?

There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.

How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?
Because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.

This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.

His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.

As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.

For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.

- Max Scratchman

Got plans for leftovers, yet?

What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!

What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.

What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.

Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.

What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.

How did the fire ant feel after the rain storm flooded his home?
Very put out, indeed!

How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.

What do you drive in a river? An otter-mobile.

A robot is eating a hard drive for lunch.
The robot's friend asks for a bite and the robot says "Sure, but just a small bite." His friend takes a bite and the robot shouts, "Hey! That's a megabyte!"

Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.

A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.

What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.

What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!

Roses are red, my face is too, this only happens when I cycle with you.