Your ass is so nice, it's a shame you have to sit on it.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
I don’t know how to spell beautiful. all I know is without u, it’s impossible.
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
I’ve always thought that heck is the only thing hotter than the sun but that has all changed today.
What does the father deer say to the mother deer to show his love?
“I love you deerly!”
What song does a painter sing when he is in truly dire straits? Monet for Nothing.
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
You're so fine that I wouldn't care if you were dead or alive!
Why was the pun a bad comedian?
He never got the pun-chline right!
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
Are you my homework? Because I’m not doing you, even though I should.
I would ask you if you're tired from running through my mind all day, but from the looks of it, you don't do any running.
Are you into hockey? That's great because I'd like to score.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
Just had Lobster Bisque for the first time!
It was souper good!
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.
Wanna exchange genetic information with me?
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
Something is Wrong With My Bicycle,
it doesn't Go Straight.
I'm a fairy.
My name's Nuff. Fair enough.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
One has strings and the other has strangs.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
What kind of driver never get a parking ticket? A screw driver
Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
What do fish and women have in common? They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them!
Why does a cow hate artificial milk? Because the substance is pow-dairy.
I can’t believe I framed the ball in for a winner. Shank you!
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
What’s black, white and red all over?
A penguin with a sunburn.
Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?
Today, I am eating a bun filled with pineapple and ham for my dinner. That is Hawaii roll.
After all is sled and done.
Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf
Be like a pineapple: wear a crown, stand tall, and be always sweet on the inside.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
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