“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
I'm going to have to ask you to stay away, you're posing a risk for my health. You make my heart stop!
What’s a monster’s favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.
What do you call someone who specializes in growing plants used in witches’ brews?
A hag-riculturist!
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
Can anyone advise me what color my hair is?
I find it's a bit of a grey area.
What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws.
Are you in the on deck circle? Çause you're up next.
What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?
Stake n shake!
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
Your bible would look great on my nightstand.
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
I’m a 30-60-90 triangle and you’re a 40-40-90 triangle – we’re just right for each other.
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
Is there an excessive heat warning or am I just hot for you.
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
I’m Hazel-nuts about you
What do polite whales always say?
You’re whale-come.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
I wanna bob for your apples.
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?
Must be Nice.
What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
Address
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
If you wake up in a RED room, with no windows or doors, don't be alarmed, you're just in my heart.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Everywhere’s a palace when I get to be with Alice
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
Are you my appendix? Because I don't understand how you work but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
No body has ever won a skeleton race.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
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