Why wasn’t the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
What did the reindeer dad tell his son?
Deer to be different!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gorilla!
Gorilla who?
Gorilla burger! I've got the buns!
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
The shrubs were gearing up for a fight with the grass, but they never saw the blades come in.
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
I took one Luca at you and I honestly couldn’t resist
Why did the skier from Helsinki dominate the downhill slalom competition?
He led the race from start to Finnish.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
A dull, dark dock, a life-long lock,
A short, sharp shock, a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a pestilential prison,
And awaiting the sensation
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
I find my core strength in you.
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December.
There is a Santa clause.
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
Why did the pirate captain want to hire a baseball player?
He knew he had a chest protector.
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
Did you know that bread that you make into buns is always relaxed? Yes, they just like to roll with it.
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
What does the ski bum do when the chairlift line is too long?
He's gondola top of the mountain.
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
Some pink birds can be really rude. I approached a group of them the other day and they screamed “Flamingo away!”
My pet owl will soon turn 180.
He's not old, he just has a bad neck.
Are you sure that you’re not a microwave oven? Because, you sure make my heart melt!
I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor. He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining. He just couldn't find a role he could sink his teeth into.
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball.
When the theatre owner dies, his visitation hours are as follows: 1pm, 3pm, 6:30 pm, 9pm, and midnight.
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
You must put a lot of spices in your food because you look smoking hot.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
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