Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.
Hi, I’m a T-cell, and I’m here to protect you from everything.
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?
It was too stuffed to say anything.
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
Why did the bus driver laugh? He was having a 'wheely' good time!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
A hippie when his opponent disputes his calls: That’s pretty far-out, man!
I tried to make it to the end of the rainbow but didn't due to lilac of effort.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.
What sport do wasps love?
Sting-pong.
What do you call a pig with skin problems? A wart-hog.
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
What is the perfect day to go to the beach?
Sun-day!
The Beavers have the ugliest house in the neighborhood.
It’s a dam shame.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
If a star fell for every time I thought of you, the sky would be empty.
Each Easter Eddie eats eighty Easter eggs.
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
I can be your travel pillow.
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is because they know how to use their heads well.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
"Stop and smell the rosé."
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
What do werewolf like for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."
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