The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up!
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep?
Shepherds Pie
What do you call a white skinned gorilla?
Honkey Kong.
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
The artist painted himself into a corner, leading to his death.
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
Why did the blonde run backward?
She wanted to gain weight.
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
How long does it take to brew Chinese tea? Oolong time.
I was reading the book of numbers yesterday, and I realized I don’t have yours.
My exotic bird challenged me to a game of chess
I told him, "Toucan play at that game."
Why was the artist in an argument? She wanted to have the final clay.
What do you call a dog on the beach in the summer? A hot dog!
Who needs a sled when you can just ride me?
How does Frankenstein speak?
Frankly.
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
Did you invent the airplane? ‘Cause, you seem Wright to me.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
What do you call a really cold, young werewolf?
A pupsicle.
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
If you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?
Square root for the home team.
Are you the 4th of July? 'Cause I'm feeling fireworks between us.
My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Hey, are you a bear cub? Because you’re un-bear-ably adorable.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
You must be a fourth or a fifth, because you're just perfect!
What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
I saw a pig with laryngitis.
He was disgruntled.
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