There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
How did the telephone propose to his girl?
Duh, ain’t it obvious? He gave her a ring!
Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn’t work.
Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
If there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I have been searching for!
What do you call two pears?
A pair.
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.
It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.
You probably won't get struck by lightning.
“I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife
My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
What was Hitler's favorite computer game?
Mein Kraft.
What is a dog’s favorite pick-up line?
You must be my backyard… because I dig you
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alfie
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
"Dad, how do you cast spells?"
"You just follow the instructions."
"Which instructions?"
"Yeah, they're the ones."
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
You wanna know who makes my life complete? Read the first word in this sentence.
In my own version of the periodic table of elements, the number one element is U.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
A kid is pouring himself some milk. His dad walks into the room and asked, "what kind of milk is that?" Kid says, "Soy milk". Dad replies with,
"Hola milk, soy dad."
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
How do you save a drowning mouse ?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !
Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
What did one hat say to the other on the hiking trip?
I'll wait here, you go on ahead.
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
There's a new film out about two insects that meet in Italy.
It's Rome ants.
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
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