What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!
I wanted to be a professional fortune-teller but I wasn't very good at it. I could only predict when there would be bad winter storms. Well, turns out I had been using a snow globe.
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
"Standing next to you makes me feel better about myself."
- 30 Rock
Just can't get away from my broken keyboard. There's no escape.
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [ No! ] Its okay, the other two pigs said no too!
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
I get beavers and similar animals mixed up.
I otter know better.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
What happens when you rub two oranges together?
You get Pulp Friction.
Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.
How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.
"Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?"
When it’s raining, a turtle goes to a shell-ter.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?
They use the pew, pew-pew pews.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
We should've guessed the failed postman wouldn't be any better at delivering his acting lines.
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?
It was a ball hogger.
What did the nectarine boxer say to his opponent? "You want a peach of me?"
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
You remind me of a diamond necklace because you sure sparkle and shine bright.
I accidentally pooped in my pants. Can I get into yours?
What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hoo.
Hoo who?
Are you an owl?
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
What is it called when two spies hug?
A bond-ing moment.
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
It's cold and rainy on Halloween
Where monsters and goblins are always seen
They're at my door asking for sweets
But they don't want tricks only treats
I could close my door but that would be mean.
Go to BabaMail
