A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...

A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Besides eucalyptus leaves, what is a koala bear’s favorite vegetable? Koalaflower.

What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.

Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?

The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.

What do donuts think about donut puns? They donut like them!

What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.

What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.

What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!

What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry

"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"

When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"

A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein

What do baleen whales call a hook-up?
Netflix and krill.

I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.

Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record

Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.

A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."

Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.

What do you call Spider-Man at his full potential
Petest Parkest.

Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.

What happened when the tiger ate the comedian?
He felt funny!

This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.

His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.

As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.

For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.

- Max Scratchman

What kind of makeup do zombies wear?
Mas-scare-a.

When she saw all the madness around her, March said, “what’s all that bracket”.

God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

What is the deer’s favorite food group?
“Deer-y products!”

Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.

Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato

Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!

Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!

My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."

Did you hear about the goblin that got his left arm and left leg cut off?
Well don't worry, he's all right now.

I goat this.

Your earrings are the mirrors that reflect the moonlight into your eyes.

What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.

“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”

- Buddy Hackett.

When the elves are clapping for their boss, we call it Santapplause.

What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.

I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.

Who cleans all the mess created by beavers after their beach trip? Mer-maids.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Caesar.
Caesar who?
Caesar quick, she’s running away.

Let’s take an elfie.

What has one head, one foot and four legs? A Bed

Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.

Wow Avery, love the name. Makes sense since you are Avery beautiful girl.

We've reached the point of snow return.

How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!