“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
How do Greek gods say sorry to one another
"I Apollo-gise"
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
Hey girl, if you were a turkey you'd only need minimal basting because you're already so juicy.
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, a good movie, and mimosas with no pants on...
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
What do you call it when you spill your drink all over a piano?
Rag time.
What's the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot's father?
One is a pop fly and the other is a fly pop.
What do you call royal pineapple? Your pine-ness.
When does a sloth go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will Let it go.
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren't bold.
Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus?
Because she went to woo Han.
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
Why are frogs good at baseball?
Because they catch a lot of fly balls.
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons — balancing them badly.
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
Why can’t a fish every play volleyball? They are afraid of the net.
A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk
So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
What do you get when you cross Ice, chocolate, a big strawberry, a giant pineapple, and cold milk? The worlds best Sundae!
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play
What did the young Toyota say to his mother when she asked what he wanted for dinner?
Taco ma
Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
Dolphins don't have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!
What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.
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