Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
While building a house, the architect took his fingers and dipped them in a jar of blue ink. He wanted to get the blueprints!
What do sloths make when it snows? Slow Angels.
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner
I’ve never seen a sleeker frame.
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
I saw a saw that could out saw any saw I ever saw saw. If you happen to see a saw that can out saw the saw I saw saw I'd like to see the saw you saw saw.
Q: Where can a tornado be jailed?
A: In a high pressure cell.
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
I really like guitars
They just strike a chord with me.
I would tell you more chemistry pick-up lines, but all the good ones Argon!
What is the suckiest fruit?
A strawberry.
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
What do you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A dead ringer.
The inventor of mosquito repellent likely did not know where to begin...
I guess he would have to start from scratch.
A bit late but here goes anyway: what do you call the elf who checks Santa's grammar?
A subordinate claus!
A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
What's wrong with those big game hunters?!
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What kind of TV does a skeleton watch?
A skelevision.
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
Why can't buses make friends? Because they only pick up strangers!
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
My favorite music is by Spandau Croc-quet.
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?
Barklava!
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...
The cold weather always comes towards the end of the year weather you like it or not.
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
What's your hurry, baby? I Just want to take things Oslo.
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