Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.

What do you get if you cross a chicken with an alarm?
An alarm cluck.

"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot

From the moment I saw you, I knew I would be spending the rest of my life trying to avoid you.

Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.

Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.

If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.

If you're wondering if someone's become a vampire, there's an easy way to tell. A true vampire is always coffin.

If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?

The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.

The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.

The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.

The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!

Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!

(Joanna Fuchs)

What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.

We’re traveling winter-nationally.

Q. What is a gorilla in a wheelchair called?
A. Dis-ape-led.

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D

My bike chain got rusted. Then my whole bicycle broke down. It was a chain reaction.

What did the crow decide to dress up as on Halloween? As a scarecrow.

Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.

What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.

Why did they take Polly away?
He went crackers!

You and I could totally melt my igloo.

I went to see the Liberty Bell the other day.
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.

What does Spider-man become when he joins the circus?
an aracnobat.

What do you call an elephant that’s never clean?
A smelly-phant.

The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.

“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel

Did you know dried fruits favorite news segments is...
Current events.

How was Heaven when you left it?

Come, let’s measure the coefficient of friction between us.

“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown

"Just one hot chick."

Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.

Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.

Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.

"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain

Girl, your personality is so magnetic I think our protons are in alignment.

If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.

What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.

What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.

For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot

An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.

Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.

Did you hear about the croc calling the frog? He just croc-o-dialled.

Why is a field of grass always older than you?
Because it's pasture age

What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops.

Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory? Because she was a plant eater!

I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.

“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”

- H. L. Mencken.

I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test