When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
My psychiatrist sent me for an MRI because she thinks I have a magnetic personality.
Have you heard about a man who became a werewolf?
He was distressed at first, but then he took a lycan to it.
Why did the cheese get in trouble?
It was up to no gouda.
What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem!
What do you call witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
How can you tell that the ocean is friendly? It waves!
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Honeybee.
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and open the door, please.
What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher
What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
Rocket.
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
Many basketball players fail their tests in school because they do not want to pass.
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
Whats the best cheese to coax a bear down a mountain? Camembert (Come On Bear)
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Never take a flamingo to the local swimming baths. They really don’t like claw-rine.
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
Wel'l Wel'l Wel'l - if it isn't autocorrect.
Is it a full moon? Because I feel a tidal pull toward your heavenly body.
Dear Winter — I'm breaking up with you. Summer is hotter than you.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
Anything is popsicle during summer!
It's weird being colorblind in an art gallery. Everything's a pigment of the imagination.
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.
I must have left on Data Roman.
I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve got 3 bags of Cool Ranch Doritos in your basket. Marry me?
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?
How about the stylish female crocodile, she's every inch a frock-o-dile.
I had a salad pun, but I tossed it
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.
Hey baby, are you the Earth? Because all things are attracted to you...
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
What did the baby mosquito say after his first flight?
“Mama, mama! Did you see that? Everyone was clapping for me!”
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
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