"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
Do you want to play house with me? You can be the front door, and I'll slam you until sunrise.
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
Shake it like a pole-oriod picture.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
I can keep increasing the resistance on my bike, but I just can't resist you.
How much does a Polar Bear weigh?
I don't know.
About ten pounds less than you, fat-ass.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
Why don’t leprechauns run?
They’d rather jig than jog.
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Donut
Donut who?
Donut open til Christmas!
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
I wish I were cross-eyed so I can see you twice
How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
Forget about watermelons, I heard having a windmelon your property is the best way to get clean and renewable electricity.
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
In every corny joke,
There is a kernel of truth.
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.
Can I be your next varietal?
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
I like your wart, want to see a few of mine?
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
At the baking competition in October, the chef said that he had eyes on the pies!
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
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