"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"

What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.

What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig? Pulled-Pork

Tennis matches and strawberry jam have one thing in common. Cons-serve.

I'm a fairy.
My name's Nuff. Fair enough.

My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."

I bet you play soccer because you're a keeper.

Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Where do bulls get their messages? On a bull-etin board.

Some people think prison is one word… but to criminals it’s the whole sentence.

KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.

What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.

You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.

If I said I'd like to score on you tonight would you think I was being too forward?

I'll love you until Tom catches Jerry and has him for supper.

What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”

What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?

Will the Red Wings be able to replace their venerable captain Steve? No, because
when it comes to hockey smarts there is no Yzer man.

“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews

What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.

What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!

What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.

An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.

I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!

What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way

What is a car’s favourite job?

Caretaker.

You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body.
In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put down.

What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”

Is your name Rapunzel, cause I need a girl who never leaves the bedroom and constantly wants me to pull her hair?

"Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore... I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password."

"Why Bob Marley?" - he asked.

"Because its always jammin"

What do you call a werewolf with no legs?
Anything you like – he can’t chase you.

I was hoping you wouldn't block my pop-up. You must've been made by Intel to be that hot!

"There's no bunny like you."

What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise

I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".

Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?

Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.

Emphysema puffs pink, chronic bronchitis makes you blue, but no COPD makes me as breathless as you!

My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!

What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.

Mum, you are my soup-er star.

What do you call an owl dressed in armor?
A knight owl.

Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.

Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.

The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!

Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.

As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.

So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.

But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!

- Denise Rodgers

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain

What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.

Long time no sea.

Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.