Is this a catch and release fishing session? Because I don't want to let you go.
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
What did the dinosaur ask his pet dog when he wanted afternoon tea with him?
Do you want some tea, Rex?
What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
Whenever someone wishes me to say "Happy Winter," it always leaves me cold.
Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
Did you know there are 206 bones in the human body? Would you mind one more?
Is there a magnet in here because I'm really attracted to You.
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
If I were to wander around in Italy...
Would I be roamin'?
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.
Wanna exchange genetic information with me?
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
. How can you easily identify a dogwood tree? By listening to the bark.
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a mammoth’s tusk?
A sabre-toothed tiger.
What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
I went fly-fishing yesterday.
All I caught was two bluebottles.
Are you a box of BD pen needles? Because you are ultra-fine.
There’s no trick in these pants.
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
Go to BabaMail
