Why is the mushroom always invited to parties? Because he's a fun-gi.
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
Last night, like every night, I dreamt I was half horse, half man.
My shrink says I'm just being self centaured.
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
Why is winter the least popular time of year for a wedding?
Because the grooms always get cold feet!
You can call me Jonah.
Because I'm going to show you a whale of a time.
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
Have you heard about the new book all about flamingos? Apparently it’s flying off the shelves.
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put ewe and I together.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
What kind of key does a ghost use to unlock his room? A spoo-key.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
A female sheep and a couple of aggressive birds are sitting on the veranda. What language do they speak?
Porchewegeese.
People always talk about the 'Eye Of The Tiger'. No one talks about the other four letters.
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.
Why won't the dog listen to the farmer's sheep jokes?
He's herd them all.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
Did Cyclops the X-man play hockey? Yes, he enjoyed lasing up the skates.
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
I'd like to get to know you biblically.
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
The fruit bat ate the orange because of its appeal. It had such a nice color.
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
Why does salt make everything taste better
Because it's sodi-yummm!
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
Why do bears have sticky fur?
Because they use honey combs.
Q. Which country was founded by wild gorillas?
A. The Banana Republic.
You're a beluga in this sea of cod.
The sun is up. The sky is blue. It's beautiful and so are you.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
Why did the lake date the river?
He heard that she had a bubbly personality.
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
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