How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
That Marchesa dress looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so would I.
You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack
Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!
What do witches put on their bagels?
Scream cheese.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.
If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs!
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
Why do painters always fall for their models?
Because they love them with all of their art.
Is that a mirror in your Bible? Because I see you reflecting Christ.
All punts are highly intended
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum? Because they can't afford new ones!
I thought of a new joke that started in a corn field.
But I'm not going to post it bc it's too corny.
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
You can dump tea in my harbor any time.
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
What did the deer say after he finished eating?
“That was deer-licious!”
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
"Be kind, re-wine."
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fangs
Fangs who?
Fangs for letting me in!
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.
He was charged with attempted murder.
Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they
If you ask me if I love you I'll have to plead the 5th. Don't want to incriminate myself.
They say that you can spike a volleyball. But you can never take away its dig-nity.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
It is not really much about how you bowl, but instead how you roll.
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
What's the first bet that most people make in their lives? the alpha bet
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
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