Q: How is hurricane season like Christmas?
A: At some point, there’s going to be a tree inside your house.
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
I'm like acetaminophen. I'll make sure all your pains go away when we're together.
I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.
My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
Are you a break stroker? Because you make my knees weak.
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
If Princess Toad looked liked you, I would have killed Bowser years ago.
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
"There's no bunny like you."
When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
Do you work for NASA? Because you're out of this world.
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
What do you get when you spill soup on a comic book? Souperman.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
Do you know karate cause your body is kickin'.
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
Did you hear about the owl who married a goat?
The had a hootenanny.
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson!
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
"I'll always remember last night, but I think we can forget about tomorrow."
What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
Are you a girl scout because you tie my heart in knots.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
German Wi-Fi is the WURST.
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