Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
If kisses were raindrops, I'd send you a hurricane.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.
I'm just like a dumpling. I have fillings for you.
I went to the butcher's the other day and asked them, how do you prepare your turkey for Thanksgiving?
They said that they just tell them straight out that you're gonna die.
What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
The hipster beaver denied swimming in the river. He said it was too main-stream.
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Your smile is brighter than the fireworks on the 4th of July.
Cycle with me? I feel like I’m on a whole other gear when I’m with you!
When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
What was the scariest prehistoric animal? The Terror-dactyl!
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.
You’re right up my alley.
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
What do cars play at the weekend?
Golf.
Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest? A Holy Donut!
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
“Feliz navi-dog!”
Are you a fire detector?
Because you're loud and annoying.
What did you just call me? Just because we’re Dark Chocolate does not give you the right to call us “Snickers”.That’s OUR word.
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
Turtles that commit crime are sent to the shell-block.
While building a house, the architect took his fingers and dipped them in a jar of blue ink. He wanted to get the blueprints!
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.
The pint’s the limit.
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
Where is the best place to get camel milk?
Straight from the Dromedairy.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
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