A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.

The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'

Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.

Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell

What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.

What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!

My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"

What kind of luggage did the vulture bring on the flight?
Carrion.

Why won't prison life be much different from playing for the Bills? OJ will still have big guys opening holes for him.

Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?

Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.

Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.

Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott

Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.

Want to plan a ride up the hill. It feels great when you're on top.

Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.

Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.

What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.

Whose music do elves like the most?
Elf-is Presley.

What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship

Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.

Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.

Man: Baby, your body is a wonderland!
Woman: That's funny, because yours is a wasteland!

The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.

“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing

What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.

What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.

We've been driving all day, I need a brake.

My suitcase started crying when I picked it up. I was carrying emotional baggage.

“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger

I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.

“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing

It feels great to hit the ball again. It spin a long time.

"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson

The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

Why are parrots so good at imitations? They love parrot-y! (parody)

What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!

What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”

What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.

Q: How is hurricane season like Christmas?
A: At some point, there’s going to be a tree inside your house.

How about we play a fun game called Haida totem pole?

Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.

Did you know you look good in short pants?

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!

Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.

My partner got mad when she found so much spam on my computer.
She said, "Food belongs on a plate!"

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
He wanted to get to the other slide.

You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married...
because she wasn't my wife until we were married.

What is the worst type of blind people?
The Notsees.

Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.