I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
Hey, I would like to introduce my Crouching Tiger to your Hidden Dragon.
What do you call a skeleton who rings the doorbell?
A dead ringer.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
What do you call a pig that drives around recklessly?
A road hog.
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.
I think we Anthon-eed to get to know each other soon
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
Girl, you can kiss heaven goodbye because it's got to be a sin to look that good.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
He wanted to see a chicken strip.
Were you forged by Sauron? Because baby, you're precious.
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
What do you call a large pile of cats? A meowntain!
Life without you would be un-bear-able.
I like to tell this one joke about homemade bombs
But it always blows up in my face.
I bet your muffled screams are as cute as u.
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
Why were the herbs not fully grown yet? They didn't have enough thyme!
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
Why did the computer break up with the internet? There was no "Connection".
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Parton!
Parton who?
Parton my French!
Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
What do you call a gorilla who has been locked up in prison?
A kong-vict
Went camping last night. It was in-tents.
Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”
Go to BabaMail
