Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
How do volleyball players deliver their messages? Through Air Mail.
"That was a howling adventure!" said the werewolf to the zombie.
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
What did the panda say when he was forced out of his natural habitat?
This is un-bear-able.
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
Why does the earth appreciate the moon so much?
It keeps the oceans tidy.
What breed of dog will laugh at any joke?
A Chi-ha-ha
What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!
Would you allow me to experience what’s beyond your Event Horizon?
How do you make soup rich? Add 24 carrots.
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
Oh, the heat! Doesn’t summer know – you’re all the sunshine I need!
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
What do gnomes love to sing at Christmas?
We're driving gnome for Christmas.'
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
Does all this rain make you want an ark?
I Noah guy.
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Spell.
Spell who?
W-H-O.
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
Why are unicorns considered to be among the most impatient mammals? They’re quick to get to the point.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
What does a funeral home hair stylist handle on a daily basis?
A brush with death
Did you know I’m a flower? Because I just need somebudy like you.
Do you know the easiest way to stop squirrels from playing soccer in your garden is to hide the ball? Well, it drives them nuts.
I've only got three months to live.
What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
Wow Andrew, you seem cool an-drewly gorgeous
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