Wow, you drive me Davi
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
You don’t look like such a proper noun to me.
I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
What do you call a skeleton who hangs out in coffee shops and listens to indie music?
A hip-ster.
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
What happens when you buy a dog from the blacksmith?
When he gets home he’ll make a bolt for the door.
Hi there, I heard you were looking for something locally grown? How about some organic and 100% locally grown companion?
I want you for no raisin.
I don't care *how* many items you've got, baby, I could check you out all day long!
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
I'm no curler, but I think I could sweep you off your feet!
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
What do you call having your grandma on speed dial? Instagram.
I had the best ice pun to tell you…
Problem is, it slipped my mind.
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
If you happen to knock down all the pins, don’t be overly excited. Spare us the details.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
What do you call a gorilla who has been locked up in prison?
A kong-vict
Soup is only musical when it is piping hot.
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
I promise I'm good for more than just a one-timer.
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
What do you think the boy star told the girl star? I really glow for you.
Let's make some sweet music together, honey
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.
Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
You’re my pot of gold.
In case of an emergency, pull down the zipper on my pants.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
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Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
After his meal, the cannibal wipes his mouth and says: “My wife cooks the greatest soup in the world. But I will miss her so much.”
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
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