“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
Are you into hockey? That's great because I'd like to score.
Sorry, did you fart? You blow me away!
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
If I am a GPS, will you take me running every day?
What do the squirrels do when they are bored ?
watch NutFlix
Hey, Are you made of candy? Because you look sooo sweet!
I’ve heard of fraudsters before, but that was one heck of a unique-con if I ever saw one.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
"Simple Truths About Family"
Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.
Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.
Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.
Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.
Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.
– Kelly Roper
"You deserve better and so do I."
I put the “man” in Manitoba.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
Six slimy snails sailed silently.
Hmm, there seems to be a kiss of mint in this blend. How about a real kiss, just to be sure?
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
Up to snow good.
Why can't elephants use computers?
Because they're scared of the mouse.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?
‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"That was a hard drive."
What’s the difference between a school bus driver and a winter cold? One knows all the stops, and the other stops the nose.
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
It’s really easy to send a nice card to a flamingo. You just write “Hope you have a flamingood…”
How about we drop the gloves and go at it?
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
You're so hot you melt the elastic in my underwear.
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