If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa

If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I'd only have a dollar because you never leave my mind.

My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.

There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.

What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!

I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.

"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash

Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.

I'm having a sale in my bedroom. My clothes are 100% off.

What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak

What happened when a man practiced archery near some stationary planes? They ended up very arrow-dynamic.

The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.

In what state is the Amazon River? It is in the liquid state.

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!

An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.

An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.

Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.

What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole? Cold.

The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.

I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.

Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.

Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie talkie!

My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.

“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen

A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.

What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.

I just tossed a penny into the fountain, want to make my wish come true?

What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.

"Five Little Acorns"

Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”

The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.

– Debbie Hill

"The Silliest Teacher in School"

Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.

We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.

The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.

“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”

– Darren Sardelli

When a dinosaur gets a goal in a soccer tournament, it is known as a dino-score.

Baby, you remind me of the constitution, because you look like a national treasure.

Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.

There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.

How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.

Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.

"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz

How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.

If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.

What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.

It's hunting season and fox like you shouldn't be out in the open!

They found a plant that cures COVID-19!
It’s called plant yourself on the couch.

Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.

Do you have raisins? How about a date?

Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!

A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.
The doctor said: “I can tell right away that you haven't been eating properly."

I’m Dublin down on what I said before.

Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.

My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.

Fairies just wand to have fun.

My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.

He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!

- Denise Rodgers