Why did DPD rush to Coors Field?
They heard somebody stole third base.
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox.
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
Will you give me your number or will you let me spend the whole night guessing the digits?
Staying humble thanks to that fumble
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything.
His name was mediocretese.
What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large chested crab?
One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
Where do restless travelers like to go?
To Rome.
The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
Who is a ghoul’s favorite family member?
Mummy!
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
When you cross a wolf and Fred Astaire, you get dances with wolves.
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”
Why did the detective lose his second job at the airport?
He kept cracking cases.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
What’s gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
Stalagmice!
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
Hey, are you an anchor? Because you've done nothing but weigh me down.
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
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