I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
My husband asked me to sync his phone. So I threw it in the sea - not sure why he is upset.
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
Having a ball this weekend with my best friends
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
Every book has some flaws and mistakes, no matter how good the editor. It’s bound to happen.
What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes? A medi-tator.
Why shouldn't you be too inquisitive with a cherry? Ask no questions tell no pies.
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
People with a cold - "I just want to stay in bed and do nothing, I feel terrible."
People with Corona Virus - "I feel terrible, I think I will go skiing in Austria, visit the Eiffel Tower and maybe do some white water rafting in Camino de Santiago."
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
When she saw all the madness around her, March said, “what’s all that bracket”.
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
How are you still so fat when you've been running in my mind for so long?
Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.
Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils?
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
Why did the bus driver eat a burger? He wanted to 'bus-t' his energy!
Why do so few vegetarians become competitive swimmers?
They don’t like the swim meats!
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
If you cross a bee and a lizard, you'll get a blizzard!
The healthy soup recipe was suggested to us by the nutritionist. It soup-erseded the old unhealthy creamy soup we used to have for dinner.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
Are you a model?
“Remember not to leave a fire burning in your fireplace this Christmas Eve, or else you might wake up to a Crisp Kringle.”
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
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