What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.

What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.

What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.

I have a bone to pixie with you.

“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”

- Kelkulus.

If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.

Why did the skeleton have a broken heart?
His Boney lay over the ocean.

Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.

Hi, you’re so beautiful you made me forget my pick up line. Would you settle for just flowers?

One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:

Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod

Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!

'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!

It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!

Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say

A barber, a hairdresser, and Bigfoot walk into a bar...
You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.

70 percent of the human body is made up of water and im very thirsty.

What did one wall say to the other wall?
"I’ll meet you at the corner!"

It's time to be like a kit-kat and split up.

The fact is your refractive index is greater than 2.42. That means you shine brighter than a diamond!

It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.

What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.

Wanna make out in my Tundra Buggy?

What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache

I find bone puns very
Humerus.

"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."

What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.

You can call me Jonah.
Because I'm going to show you a whale of a time.

Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."

"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly

What happened when the orange broke out of prison?
All heck broke juice.

Boy: You know quickie has u And i together.
Girl: Too bad ugly starts with a u.

If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.

I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”

Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.

What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.

The nurse always carried a red pen in her pocket in case she needed to draw blood.

Are you maple syrup? ‘Cause you taste so sweet.

If you make a mistake of playing basketball with pigs, they will hog the ball.

This is snow laughing matter!

It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.

What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo

Being uncomfortable with any physical contact, I decided to rent the book “How to Hug” from the library.
Turns out it was Volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.

I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.

I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?

I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.

My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.

Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons

Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.

As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.

What did the angry artist say? Don't get me arted!

How much does a polar bear weigh? Less than you, I would guess.

If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous

There is one commonality between a magician and a soccer player. They both do hat tricks.

Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.