I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
Girl, you are so fine, I had to upgrade my graphics card just to admire your pictures.
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
The ones with thick icing!
You know what you would look really beautiful in?
My arms.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
Your eyes are as blue as toilet water.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
My favorite music is by Spandau Croc-quet.
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
You remind me of Halley's Comet. I don't wanna see you again for another 74 years.
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
Make your own decisions this summer, don’t give in to pier pressure.
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
It's not the cough that carries you off,
it's the coffin they carry you off in!
What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
Crabgrass in my lawn is always fighting to prevent good grass seed from rooting...
Guess you could say I'm caught in the middle of a turf war
You know what they say? Words.
What do you call a book that's about the brain? A mind reader.
Q. How do you start a letter written to Sears Roebuck?
A. Deer Sirs..
Is that a discharge in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.
What's a camel's favorite part of a meal?
Desert!
When I went to my favorite Irish cafe after years, I felt deja brew all over again.
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
What's the hardest tea to swallow?
Reality.
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
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