How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail, he’ll be de-lighted!
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
What did the rock say after it rolled into a tree? Nothing because rocks can’t talk.
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
Why did the volleyball player get sent to jail? Because he was set up.
I wish I were Castiel so I could have everything in your personal space.
Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Kanga.
Kanga who?
Actually, it’s kangaroo.
What does a dog wear when it’s cold outside?
A pet-ticoat.
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
What's the difference between an otter and a navy aircrewman?
At least the otter knows he's not a seal.
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
My dad said he wanted to steal a pumpkin
but all the stores were well-gourded.
If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
The tiny bag of flour got in trouble, so his mother sent him to bread early. He kneaded to be punished.
"Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you"
Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!
"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food."
– Erma Bombeck
What's the best way to avoid eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers? Quit cold turkey.
Each Easter Eddie eats eighty Easter eggs.
A tutor who tooted the flute tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, ‘Is it harder to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?
I didn't know angels flew this low.
Owl always love you.
Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
If I were to wander around in Italy...
Would I be roamin'?
My sheep-powered computer was starting to run slowly
So I added more ram
What do you call an explosive horse?
Neigh-palm.
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
Dad Bee left. Mama Bee calls out ...
Honeycomb home!
Do you know which aisle the edible underwear is in? Oh, wait, wrong store!
If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?
What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.
Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?
A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
Why can't elephants use computers?
Because they're scared of the mouse.
You look good on your yoga mat.
I wasn't making enough money as a keyboard percussionist so I started moonlighting as gun salesperson.
I go from glockenspiel to Glock and spiel.
"There's something I've been wanting to say since the day we met - goodbye."
How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?
They use the pew, pew-pew pews.
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