Knock knock!
Who's there?
Juno.
Juno who?
Juno I love you, don't you?
How many colors are in the rainbow? I haven't got a blue.
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: "Word."
Want to break the wishbone? I’m wishing for a date with you.
Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
I was selling my bike and an interested buyer asked what’s lowest I’d go.
"About 3 mph," I said, "otherwise I’d tip over."
People need to be careful about computers at all times because they byte.
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
I can die happily now because I have just seen a piece of heaven.
What is the correct answer to Hummus?
A cow.
Do you wear contacts?! (she says no...) Because your eyes are just so beautiful!
What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
I always like to keep my place stocked with coffee and breakfast food in case I don't wake up alone.
Footballers love one specific type of tea; penal-tea.
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
Are people jealous of the Irish?
Yeah, they’re green with envy.
My favorite attractive force is Van der Waal's force. Can you feel it? I'll move closer if you can't.
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
Why were the melon lovers sad?
Because they cantaloupe.
What do you call a baby monkey? A Chimp off the old block.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
Is there an excessive heat warning or am I just hot for you.
Our relationship is like my financial status: Broke.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
"Reti or not, here I come!"
What is a dog’s favorite vegetable? A collie flower.
My partner got mad when she found so much spam on my computer.
She said, "Food belongs on a plate!"
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
I'm sorry I had an accident...
I slipped and fell right into your heart.
I'm afraid you can't pass this point, 'cause you're a bomb, Baby.
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall — hope you do too!
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.
What did the chicken do when his shop caught on fire?
He egg-xited..
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
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