"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
Whale, whale, whale …
If it isn’t a pod.
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
When does a Koala go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.
Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave? He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because the cows have horns.
What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?
A hamster
I think I might become an astronomer because I’m very fascinated with Uranus
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
Why do criminals hate coins?
Because half of them are coppers.
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.
I started watching soccer because I could see it’s very relevant to my life.
Little to no goals.
"Over-easy like Sunday morning."
How did the shark plead in the murder case?
Not gill-ty.
The librarian's office was on the A level. I asked for a book about submarines.
She told me to look below C level.
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
Old astronomers got so tired of waiting for the sun to go down, that they decided to pack it up and call it a day.
How did the horse break into the mainframe?
It was a hack.
What does a vampire need for making breakfast in the morning?
Pancake batter.
What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
What does a deer say when it prays to the god?
“Deer God!”
Who is a penguin’s favourite family member?
Aunt Artica.
I wish I were Castiel so I could have everything in your personal space.
"No body won the skeleton race."
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Irish you a whole pot of gold!
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
But his brother Frank was a monster.
Do you celebrate Boxing Day? Because you're the whole package.
Hey there cyclist, an I make you a recovery drink? You're going to need it.
What do bats say to vampires?
“You suck!”
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Alligators will see you later, crocodiles in a while.
My pants are approaching escape velocity.
Go to BabaMail
