Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can't walk.
That skeleton over there wanted to ask you for your number, but, unlike me, he didn’t have the guts
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
I bet we could do some good interval training together.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
There are many fish in the sea but you're the only one that's caught my eye.
Can you run with me so I can tell my friends I've ran with an angel?
Distill my beating heart.
So, if I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive
Would that mean I'm doing cloud computing?
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
Why was the cow always exercising? To build up its moo-scles
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“I only like lemons,”
Said Michael zestfully.
This coffee is too strong. How about a kiss because you are the only sugar I need.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
The perfume was very cheap.
It's price was in cents.
You're as intoxicating as a home distilled liquor.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!
"Really, our time together has just become more effort than you're worth."
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
Nothing really mattress.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
Why’d you dress up as a princess, when you could have simply come in plain clothes as the most beautiful girl at the Halloween party?
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
Are you a taco?
Cause you sure taco lot
How do mares keep track of their boyfriends?
A stud book.
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
What did the chicken do when his shop caught on fire?
He egg-xited..
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love.
Did you hear the joke about the donut? Probably not, it was crummy!
What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.
What do you call an 'O' on fire?
Flamingo.
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
You look good on your yoga mat.
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
Halloween is the night of darkness. But you are brighter than an angel.
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
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