Maybe you need a little Vitamin ME in your life.
Did You Hear About The Duck Who Thought He Was a Squirrel?
It was one tough nut to quack.
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
I got sacked from my job at the guillotine factory today
It’s a cut throat business
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
Who is the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
A guy ate only metal bars for thanksgiving
He was gratefull
Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
"Will you accept this rosé?"
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?
I was shocked when I found out.
Hey cutie nice pants, got any room in there for me.
Can you give me directions to your heart? I've seemed to have lost myself in your eyes.
I was going to call you beautiful, but then I realized I don’t have your number yet.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Holly
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!
You must be a narrative hook. Because you’re stuck in my mind.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
What do a witch and a candle have in common?
They're both wicked.
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T
Thanksgiving is over… Want to watch Christmas movies and chill?
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
On a keyboard, nothing is under control.
Have I given you the tour of my estate yet?
It is a Vauxhall.
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
We are perfect balance for each other.
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
Anne of Green Gables? More like Anne of Green Babeles.
If a baby is born on a plane, i guess you could call it... airborn.
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
Sometime flamingos get fixated on one thing, and it can be hard to get them to see things from another pers-peck-tive.
Hey, I think I could rock your world if you Dave me a chance…
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
Baby, you make all my binary search trees balance.
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
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