It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.
Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!
Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.
On scale of one to 10, you’re a poutine.
What is a crows favorite vegetable?
Corn on the caawb.
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
"Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy."
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
Q: Why can’t oranges be pirates?
A: They don’t get scurvy.
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato Paste!
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
Mermaids can be quite mean. Salmon had to say it.
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
"Going out with you would be my biggest break since the rural juror."
- 30 Rock
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
What is a gorillas favourite ice cream flavour.
Chocolate chimp.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Are you a lover of magic tricks? Pass me a paper and watch my number appear on it.
Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.
It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.
I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.
(Martin Dejnicki)
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
What do elves use in the kitchen when they are cooking?
Kitchen u-tinsels!
Are you a dog? Because I'd like to throw you a bone.
Which dinosaurs were the best policemen? Tricera-cops.
The favorite fruit of all ghost's are Bloooooo-berries!
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
Address
What did the pig say to his friend who had been cheated upon?
Please don't go bacon this relationship.
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
What does an ice cream lawyer say?
You got served.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
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