Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.
Best in snow.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
"I'm an Easter eggs-pert."
Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”
Shes a fairy realistic person.
Why did the mouse stay inside? Because it was raining cats and dogs.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!
Why did the volleyball players line up from shortest to tallest? The coach wanted the team to switch from a 5-1 line up to a 6-2.
I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
What do witches put on their bagels?
Scream cheese.
You must be from the cosmos because your body is heavenly.
Did you hear about the misbehaving unicorn? Sure, but I never though that these creatures could get so horny.
This coffee is too strong. How about a kiss because you are the only sugar I need.
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
As it snow happens.
What do you call a kangaroo sanctuary?
A kazoo.
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
What do ponies look for in a vehicle?
Lots of horsepower.
I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.
Roses are red, violets are black, why is your chest as flat as my back?
Trying to teach my dad how to put WiFi on his tablet
Me: You just have to go to settings!
Dad: This is just making me upsettings!
On the spot no hesitation! Gotta love him!
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
So how many cats do you have?
What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!
Hey babe - are you the ex leader of the Australian Democrats because I'd love to Despoja.
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
What is the fear of giants called?
Fee-fi-phobia
Wondering what crows prefer with soup, crows like crowtons in their soup.
- Dad, where are the DVDs? Where's Shrek, I want to watch it.
- Somewhere ogre there.
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
I like to tell this one joke about homemade bombs
But it always blows up in my face.
What did the rock say after it rolled into a tree? Nothing because rocks can’t talk.
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