Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
My son wanted a pet spider but they're to expensive.
I told him I'll get him one off the web.
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
What do you get if you put an alligator in a blender?
Gatorade.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
What's a prisoners favorite building materials? Steal n cement.
What always goes up whenever the rain comes down? An umbrella.
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
I know somebody that thinks they might like you a lot. And if I wasn’t so shy, I would tell you who it is.
"Yoda one for me."
Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
Why did the gorilla have to visit the vet?
He wasn't peeling well
You’ve got more curves than a cross country track.
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
All vampires seem to have the same thing for their last meal. A stake.
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.
Do you play soccer? Because I think I'm gonna score tonight.
Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.
What are police cars made of?
Copper
Hey, are you an anchor? Because you've done nothing but weigh me down.
What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
Why did the dog go to university? To get a pe-digree.
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
I hate getting into arguments with farmers about the best methods for keeping crows away.
They always resort to straw man arguments.
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
"Is that cannon fire, or is it my heart pounding?"
- Ingrid Bergman, Casablanca (1942)
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
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