In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
I'd drink your bathwater.
"Is that a yay or cabernet?"
I saw a really cool kangaroo the other day
It had a hip hop
Why was the glow worm unhappy ?
Because her children weren’t that bright !
What is the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
“A beer nut is often more than a buck but a deer nut is always under a buck.”
Let’s spend some koala-ty time with each other.
Where can you read about planets exploding?
In the orbituaries.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus To 66
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
What did the lightning say to the fireworks?
"Hey! You stole my thunder."
Who granted the fish a wish?
The fairy codmother.
What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
The ones with thick icing!
What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.
What is the most favourite drink of a cow? Mountain Moo.
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
Are you glitter? Because you add sparkle to my life
As a flower cannot blossom without sunshine, I cannot survive without your love.
How could you tell the horse was getting old?
It was wither-ing away.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
I wouldn't say that flying is my favorite way to travel...
But it's up there.
I can’t remember my number. Can I please have yours instead?
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
Why did the volleyball player have ropes and shoe strings? They wanted to tie the score.
Is that a magic wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
What is worse than when it is raining buckets?
Hailing taxis.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
What type of cat lives under the sea? A purr-maid.
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
You snow the drill.
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