What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
If you see a ghost, you should always say, 'How do you boo?'
What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
Do you have a pencil? Cause I want to erase your past and write our future.
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
What has 36 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? My zipper.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I'll be home for Christmas—and I want you to come with me.
Dad: "Knock, knock!"
Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
How do you know you’re in love with a flower?
Not a daisy goes by where you don’t think of them.
Do you believe in love at first flight?
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
"Have an egg-cellent Easter."
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
What did the deer say after she saw her Amazon bill?
“I spent too much doe!”
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
Where do bats go to gamble?
Bat-lantic City.
Babe, your beauty makes the morning sun look like the dull glimmer of the moon.
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.
Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load.
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
What's worse than a SPIDER on your PIANO?
CRAB on your ORGAN.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my nightmares all night!
Why are trees so active in politics? They really like grass roots movements.
Amelia, I’d love to share Ameal-with-ya
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