What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
Man: Are those space pants.
Woman: No!, They're softball pants because my ass is out of your league.
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
Jedi Mind Trick: "This is the geek you're looking for." waves hand.
I hope you know CPR, baby because you take my breath away.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie talkie!
Have you been eating Lucky Charms? Because you're looking magically delicious.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
Donut even think about taking another donut!
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
It was so hot in New York City today, the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to put her arm down.
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
Knock Knock.
Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut ask, it’s a secret!
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!
Made a whole bunch of dad jokes at Thanksgiving dinner...
I pulled out all the Pops!
French fries aren’t cooked in France
They’re cooked in greece.
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
"Aerodynamic Mishap"
I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!
I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.
But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!
My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!
– Gareth Lancaster
What do you call a rental car in Spain?
A Barceloaner.
How do ghosts take their eggs? Terri-fried.
What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
You're as hot as a desert summer.
How do trees get on a computer?
They just log in.
You're eyes are bluer than the Atlantic ocean and baby, I'm all lost at sea.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
You're so hot you melt the elastic in my underwear.
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you.
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
What's long, surprisingly bigger than expected, comes in different colors, and everyone wants a ride from?
A limousine.
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