“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
Why can’t a Christmas tree sew? It keeps dropping its needles.
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
If four plus four equals eight, then me plus you equals fate.
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy
Are you a member of a Girl Scout? Girl: No. Boy: Then why you knew how to tie my heart into knots?
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
Where did the computer go to dance? To a disc-o.
Your name must be Jelly... cuz jam don't shake like that.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
The toilets at an AMF are known as the boweling alleys.
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
What's a bats favorite desert? I-Scream!
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food."
– Erma Bombeck
How do you know when an avocado is ripe?
There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.
Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!
- Denise Rodgers
Date me and all of your problems will be polygone.
What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
When the egg saw the pan, it was terri-fried.
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
Oh, this flower in my hand? I was just showing it how beautiful you are.
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
Up for some action? I can finish with one touch.
What do zombies eat for dessert?
Eyes cream.
Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.
Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because of the Rocky Road.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
"Oh, I wanna dance with some bunny, with some bunny who loves me."
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