"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
I want to practice my forehand outside, but it will be wet in the morning and nice later on. So here’s the plan for today: inside-out.
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
What do you call a large gorilla who appears to be in a bad mood?
Sir.
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
Who’s ready to party their shamrocks off?
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.
What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language.
But I could never string together enough words to properly express how beautiful you are.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
Knock Knock
Who's There?
I eat grape.
I eat grape who?
You eat grey poo!
Man: Are those space pants.
Woman: No!, They're softball pants because my ass is out of your league.
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
What does Darth Vader say when he plays volleyball? May the spike be with you.
What’s a horse’s favorite country singer?
Colt-on Underwood.
What did Abel yell to his brother when he noticed a storm coming?
Hurry, Cain!!
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
I must have a neurodegenerative disease because I’ve forgotten your number, cutie.
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
We have such great chemistry that we should do some biology together.
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
How do snails make important calls? On shell phones.
Why do bee keepers have beautiful eyes?
Because they hold bees. (Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder)
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
You're so beautiful; your birthday should be a national holiday.
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
"Really, our time together has just become more effort than you're worth."
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite drink?
A juice pouch.
Do you like Dave Brubeck? ‘Cos I think we need to Take 5.
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