My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.
Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!
How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
Do you know what is the actual difference between hell and hill? It is only a fine line.
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
A friend of mine was describing an exotic bird to me and asked what was orange and sounded like a parrot. I told him, "A carrot".
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.
Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."
What happened when a man practiced archery near some stationary planes? They ended up very arrow-dynamic.
Honey, are you a drummer? Because you can make my heart skip a beat.
What did the ghost knights say to the cloud king?
Our souls will rain forever.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
You must be copper because I always cu in my dreams.
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
Why did the koala bear eat so much eucalyptus? He simply couldn’t leaf it alone.
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
You have to hunt down a troll and kill it with a gun. After you find it, you accidently lose sight of it. In rage, you fire your gun. The bullets hit the troll and it dies.
What do you tell the person who sent you on the quest?
- I lost gun-trol.
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
Life's a beach. Enjoy the waves.
Do you want to cosine on a mortgage with me?
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write.
Your lab or my lab?
What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
Which dinosaur slept all day ? The dino-snore!
What do you call a fast broomstick?
A vroom-stick.
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
"I've found some bunny to love."
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up
Is your name flecainide? Because you just made my heart skip a beat.
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
What do ghouls love to eat?
Fettuccini Afraid-o!
What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
Go to BabaMail
