A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
Which state of America has lots of cats and dogs? Petsylvania
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
[Drink] That’s a thirst down!
What do volleyball players do when they go to church? Serve God.
Roses are red, violets are blue. My heart began to beat when I first saw you.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
This zombie kept cutting the line so I gave her a piece of my mind.
She said it was yummy.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
I really hate these strings. I can feel it in my gut.
Within the labyrinthine bureaucracy prowls the deadly Adminotaur.
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
What do you call a group of chess players bragging about how they won in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
Why are fish so smart?
They are always in schools!
What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?
Lucky.
Are you in the Library catalog? I'd love to get you're number.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
If there's a will, there's a wave.
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
My favorite denim blue jeans just turned brown. I think I will have to call it Dung-arees!
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.
Are you into hockey? That's great because I'd like to score.
There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
Why can’t minerals ever lie?
They’re always in their pure form.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.
Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.
If you drop your white shirt in the Red Sea, what will it become?
Wet
What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
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