What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
A worm child comes home. It sees mom and asks: "Mom, have you seen dad?"
Mom says: "Dad went fishing with the guys."
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
What is a crows favorite vegetable?
Corn on the caawb.
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.
You're the sinoatrial node of my heart. Without you, even a defibrillator won't save me.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
Excuse me, is your name Grace?
Because you're amazing!
"You're a real good egg."
Why are Siberian tigers so happy at Christmas time? Because it is snowy, and they get to look like white tigers.
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
You’re so beautiful even the leaves fall for you.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
Irish I had better jokes.
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"
The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
What is the name of Santa’s rudest deer?
Rude-olph.
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a crab with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fork
Fork who?
Fork-get it, I'm leaving!
What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
I heard the local flasher was due to retire.
But hes decided to stick it out for another year.
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
Do you want to know what you get when you cross a newborn snake with a basketball? Really! Ooh you will end up with a bouncing baby boa.
"Going out with you would be my biggest break since the rural juror."
- 30 Rock
Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!
I’d be Madeline if I didn’t say I was dying to get to know you
If I was an operating system, your process would have top priority.
What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
Do you have any Sriracha sauce? Cause you fire me up!
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.
My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
How can you tell which rabbits are getting old? Look for the grey hares.
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