Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
Why should you make a cherry pie for someone that you miss? Because absence bakes the heart grow fonder.
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.
Nice to meet you, Jasmine… so shall we remove the Jas and just make you Mine?
Distance equals velocity times time, or we could just simply race to the finish line.
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
What did the pear say to the other pear when they just got together?
It’s good to be a pair.
When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
You must be Portuguese because I could Lisbon to that accent all night long.
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I wanted to buy a $30 meal for my father, my grandfather and father-in-law. I figured they'd lump em all together and charge a reduced fee.
But no, I was charged $30 a pop.
What will you call a crazy spaceman? An astronaut.
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
What do you call an onion that is very sick and has a high temperature? It is a boiling onion.
What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!
What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles because there’s a mile between each s.
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
I found this amazing bluegrass band that does covers of 80s rock.
They call themselves Ban Jovi.
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
Where do you get frog's eggs?
At the spawn shop.
Q. Which dinosaur species has deep blue-green feathers?
A. Teal-Rex.
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
Baby, meeting you was better than an NHL lockout ending.
What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
What's the ghoul's favorite sauce?
Grave-y.
I’m a man at a farmers' market. Of course, I’m a catch.
Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
What do they say when you leave the cheese store?
Have a gouda day!
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
Coffee, tea, or just more of me?
How can astronauts get more protein in their diet? They make it meteor.
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
We are looking pitcher-perfect.
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
I'm an outfielder – I'll catch you.
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