A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.

Girl you are rocking this run.

Are you an Advil? Cause I'd like to take you every 2-4 hours.

Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis...
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.

Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.

Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!

Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.

I lost my future girlfriend's phone number.
I think you might have it.

My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!

I sure hope you know set theory, ’cause I wanna intersect and union with you.

"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery

What happens when you rub two oranges together?
You get Pulp Friction.

I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?

So tell me Ian, what’s the most Ian-teresting thing about you?

"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes

Why was the mummy added to the game as a pinch hitter?
Because the manager knew he could wrap it up.

Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.

A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted

You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye

Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!

I was worried you’d just be a pretty face, but Olivia looks real good to me

My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!

Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!

Roses are red, Violet are blue. What would you do. If I fell in love with you?

Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?

Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis

What do ghouls drink?
Boos!

How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.

Hey, can I borrow your water filter? Cause you’ve got me thinking impure thoughts.

What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat

"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong

Hey babe do you need crutches? Cause I can’t stand you anymore.

Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener

I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!

(Rob Carmack)

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

You are like an electron and I am like a proton. And they say that opposites attract.

How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.

Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).

Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.

How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
An arm and a leg!

Hey Aria… Aria gonna give me your number?

What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!

Sorry for not calling sooner, I was budy complaining to Spotify for not naming you the year's hottest single.

Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.

How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Les
Les who?
Les go out for a picnic!

It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.

Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.