What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
What do mountain climbers share around the campfire?
Goat Stories!
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
How does every Irish joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
Hey girl, are you looking for your knight in shining armor?
Well I just happen to be wearing the full armor of God.
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
With Corona Virus spreading, I never thought our deaths will also be..
“Made in China”
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
You know why I love bread puns? Because they never go stale.
This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.
The moto of their school bowling team was ‘let’s knock em down’.
What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!
Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang around in bunches.
Did you ever hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
Available balance: $9.11.
Why do cats not laugh at jokes? They take things too litter-ally.
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
Girl, you’re truly one in Amelia
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
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