Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
I am glad my mobile phone has GPS because I am totally getting lost in your beautiful eyes.
I’ve loved my vacation in France, but it’s time to Hugo.
What do you call the Greek God of Mexican chickens?
Apollo
You must be marked Prestissimo… because you’re dashing.
Why did the mouse eat a candle? For some light refreshment!
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
What do you call a cat that works at a printing shop?
A copy cat.
If you were a vegetable you'd be a cutecumber.
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
According to pig etiquette, piglets are meant to be porcine and not heard.
Why do the French eat snails? They dislike fast food.
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
“My Dog has no nose. How does he smell?”
"Awful.”
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs bunny
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
The dog didn’t want to play soccer because it was a boxer.
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
Baby, we need to get together before Christmas, because you can't spell "love" with No-el.
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?
My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
I was ready and wading!
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.
The Azteca Stadium in Mexico has been so neglectfully maintained that there are foot-long grasses on the pitch. Now we call it the Grass-teca Stadium.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
Luca here, I’m just going to cut to the chase and ask if you want to get a drink with me
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Man: "If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together."
Woman: "They got it right the first time with the N and O."
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
Sometimes, all you need is to shake a few trees to find the perfect peach for you.
What kind of hair explodes?
Bangs.
We got the news of a coming flood today. The news was leaked.
What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
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