"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
What game do fawns like playing at sleepovers?
Truth-or-deer.
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
Namastay here or come home with me?
You're so cute I could bottle you up in a mason jar.
“Santa’s beard is so long because he’s bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?”
How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
By any chance, is your atomic number 11? Well, it’s because you are sodium fine!
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!
Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaved clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
What's a zombie's least favorite quiz question?
A no-brainer.
Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
How did the pine propose to the apple? With a pineapple ring.
Sorry for stating the obvious
But you look good!
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
What do you call a cemetery for bears?
Bearial grounds.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
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