"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
It was a play on words.
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
I’ll have a crocodile sandwich please, and make it snappy!
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
How did Sam win the talent show? Sam-sung.
What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A steak out.
What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Avenue.
Avenue who?
Avenue knocked on this door before?
Wanna go out this weekend? Maybe go on a quick John-t around town?
“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
"Do you like computers?" (yes.) "Do you like file sharing?" (yes) "Good, 'cause I'm downloadable and user friendly!"
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
What kind of vest should you wear in the fall?
A har-vest.
If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?
A maybee
I’m diagnosing you to see if you’d make a good boyfriend.
What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!
What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
What did the deer say to his friend when he suggested a trip to the park? Good i-deer!
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
How rude-olf of you.
What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!
An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control
How does a vampire make tea? With a used tampon.
A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.
What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
What did the fish say when he posted bail?
I’m off the hook!
My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
Why was the sapling crying to her mom? She said the big trees wouldn’t leaf her alone.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
Are you the dog? Because your shit’s all over the lawn.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
Are you made of grapes? Because you are fine as wine!
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