"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!
Is your name Faith?
Because you're the substance of things I've hoped for.
What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!
What type of cat lives under the sea? A purr-maid.
What is a Ghost’s favourite toy to play with? Leg-oooooooooooooooo!
There was once a jolly happy mountain that offered fantastic advice to a grumpy hill. "Change your altitude", he said!
Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull? On the bull the horns are in the front and the a***ole is in the back.
Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.
I wish you were a fish in my dish.
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
What do you call a crushed angle? a rectangle
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
Girl, it makes sense and sensibility for us to go out.
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
You can have that last bag of chips if I can bag your number.
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
Fake ramen noodles are also called the impasta.
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.
What does an artist call his sketch pad? A house.
There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - she woke up.
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
You’re turtle-ly awesome.
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
I have bean
thinking about you.
What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.
What’s a tree’s favorite dating site?
Timber.
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level
You hear that? The ocean wants you to join me for a drink.
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