What flavor of ice cream do vampires like best?
Vein-illa!
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
You shift my emotional oxy-hemoglobin saturation curve to the left! Easy to bind, hard to let go...
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,
Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
"I lava you."
I tried to hit the picture cleanly over the fence, but it was framed.
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
What is the collective noun for Ghosts? Team spirit.
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.
You met all of my koala-fications
Where does a camel go after he's eaten his main course? He walks straight to the desert trolley.
What do you call a goblin brigand?
A robgoblin.
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
I went on a mission trip and all I ended up doing was mission you.
Why are skeletons so good at telling jokes?
Because they have a funny bone.
I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.
Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will Let it go.
Why was the artist in an argument? She wanted to have the final clay.
What does a Greek God say when they answer the phone?
"Whodisious?"
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
What happened when an orange, an apple, and a banana all went on a picnic together?
They had a “fruit-ful” day.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
You’re so pharma-cute-ical!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ken.
Ken who?
Ken I come in?
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman.
The chicken got sent off in the middle of the match because of their persistent fowl play.
What do troll mathematicians like to solve?
Parabolems?
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
Fairies just spell trouble.
The way you wear that sarong, it should be called a saright.
Without you, I’m like a null set… Empty.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
Scuba diving is a good hobby... if you wanna hit rock bottom.
Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!
What do moon people do after they get married?What do moon people do after they get married?
Go on their honeyearth.
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
Girl, you can kiss heaven goodbye because it's got to be a sin to look that good.
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
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