Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller

What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles

Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment.

“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga

What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?

It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.

What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.

It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.

Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.

"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”

- Robert Fros

Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.

Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.

Fall hardly happens here, but You'll be falling for me.

What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.

If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.

Sorry, I would’ve called sooner but my phone overheated...
I guess you’re just too hot for this dating app!

Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.

How do you apologize to a koala? BEAR your heart and soul.

get nervous when I fly; do you mind if I hold your hand?

It is really rare to find the most perfectly cooked steak.

What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.

Are you the square root of -100? Because you’re a solid 10 but too good to be real!

What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins

When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.

What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.

Wow call me Eve, because you just made me feel like the only girl in the world

Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.

What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.

Q: How does a tiger stop a video?
A: By pressing paws.

The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.

What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.

What is a flower’s favorite vegetable?
Cauliflower.

There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.

A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.


The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."

You’re a cutie 3.14159265359

I’m not sure the best way to approach you..could you give me a Vivinsider tip?

What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.

What does a person with Covid like to drink?
Coughy.

There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.

Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!

What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog?
A jump rope.

I'm willing to lower my standards if you're going on a date with me.

"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."

“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark

What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot

We’ll have a ball.

What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.

What did the street cheese say after he got attacked by several blades? I've felt grater.