Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
You never realize how time flies when you are not wearing a watch on a plane.
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
I went to an Easter party as a Jesus cosplayer
I told them I was a crossplayer.
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody
How do knights communicate?
They use chain mail.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
I feel tail great!
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
I think you’re pretty Stella-r
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
Is your mom a hooker? Cause I'm hooked on you.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff,
Ba-dum-tss
I get a real kick out of you.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
My wife and I went hiking and got lost. I lost my temper and she was so upset she threw the map at me.
Now I know where we stand.
What do you call a cold werewolf?
A chilli dog.
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can Of Worms!
When does soil get rich?
When mother nature makes it rain.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
Who called it a goat petting zoo...
and not Close Encounters of the Herd Kind?
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
Birds too love cheering on their soccer teams. They egg them on.
Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!
Snow on and snow forth.
It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.
Hey girl, if you were a turkey you'd only need minimal basting because you're already so juicy.
Why did the ocean break up with the pond?
She thought he was too shallow.
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch.
He could binomial.
What do you call an elderly Spanish man?
A senõr citizen.
You smell just like my mom, want to grab a drink?
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
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