Where do sperm play football?
In a con-dome.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
Singing Sammy sung songs on sinking sand.
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.
Our game is as tight as our spandex. This would be an awesome team motto.
I know I’m not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but one glance at you and I’m already interested.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
What did the glass of wine say to the beer?
Nothing... They barley knew each other.
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
Haida there, gorgeous.
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
I just had to tell you. Your beauty made me truly appreciate being able to see.
Lady, you mak me All Shook Up and wake my Animal Instinct
Time to spruce things up.
Boy: Want to hear a joke?
Girlfriend: Sure.
Boy: Our relationship.
Q. After the stripper is done, what happens at a stag party?
A. Deer-ty dancing.
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
What's red and has 7 dents in it?
Snow white's cherry!
How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles
If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
"Can you empty your pocket? I believe you have stolen my heart."
- Leverage
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
What do you call a ghoul who sits too close to the fire?
A toasty ghosty.
Why do you need six players to carry the volleyball to the game? No one can carry the volleyball and a whole team.
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Sorry to interrupt with a bad pick up line, but if you were a vegetable, you'd be a cute-cumber.
You're like a dictionary... you add meaning to my life.
Do you like strawberries or blueberries? - Cuz I need to know what pancakes to make you in the morning.
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
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