What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.
"If I win, I get to take you home. If you win, you can come home with me."
- Trees Lounge (1996)
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
Do you know the hardest part about making skimmed milk? Having to throw the cows across the lake.
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
How do the Skywalkers like their bath water?
Luke-warm.
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
[Drink] That’s a thirst down!
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
If I wrote a cookbook, you'd be the featured recipe.
Fresh fried fish,
Fish fresh fried,
Fried fish fresh,
Fish fried fresh.
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
How was Heaven when you left it?
How does a pirate communicate? With his aye phone.
What does a queen want on her cookie?
Royal Icing.
Are you a computer technician?
Because you turn my hardware into software.
I never need to see the sun again because your eyes light up my world.
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
Have you ever had a dream about a bear eating you?
I call them bite-mares.
The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
I've got some wicked feelings brewing for you.
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
What advice do ghosts give their children? Only spook when spoken to.
There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
All I want is to fill that vacuum in your heart.
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!
Where do penguins go to the movies?
At the dive-in!
Your beautiful face looks like a field of flowers.
My doctor says I should get my ears cleaned every 12 months.
I think he means ear-ly.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
What did hear about the two bats meeting?
It was love at first bite!
You are unbe-Leah-vably gorgeous
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
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