Can’t Lucy how perfect a date with me could be?
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
Did you hear that? They're playing our future song on the speakers!
When I heard my sofa had been stolen, I thought “I’m not going to take this sitting down”.
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
I have written a book on Penguins.
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
What do you call it when you brush off the winter snow for the last time?
A spring fling!
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat.
He never could resist a good sail.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
If I had to describe myself in 3 words?
Lazy.
What is a koala’s favorite soft drink? Koka-Koala, of course!
My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.
My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!
Why would you Mary Shelley when you could marry me?
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring.
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
My flower blooms whenever I see your beautiful face, I hope you know what I mean.
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
Let’s take an elfie.
It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo. They get really blue.
You'd make for some real smooth sailing
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
Let’s make like an atom, and split.
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
I hear the Minotaur is really stubborn....
He's really bull-headed.
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
I'd drink your bathwater.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.
I had to clean my filter twice after I saw how beautiful you are because I couldn’t believe my Arabicas.
The first time ever I saw your face I thought the sun rose in your eyes
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