Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
Can you please be more Pacific?
What did the ghost say to the bee
“BOOBEE”
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
Q: What do you call a freezing bird?
A: Brrrrrrrrrdddd
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
A herd.
A herd who?
A herd you were home, so I came over!
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
Why do trees make the worst enemies?
Because they are the best at throwing shade.
Tonight I will be exercising my freedom of assembly… outside your bedroom window.
Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Why do pandas love watching classic movies?
Because they are in black and white.
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
"Great minds drink alike."
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
Where do parrots get away on holiday? To the beak!
Is your vocal range tenor? Because if there were tenor (ten of) you Iwould be very happy.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
"No eggs-cuses."
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
It's not the cough that carries you off,
it's the coffin they carry you off in!
It’s allergy season again?! You’ve got to be pollen my leg.
What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
Mushroom puns are the best for any occasion. They are very portabella.
Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
I love your energy.
What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
What would you call a dream where a koala bear is eating you? A bite-mare.
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
You seem a little mer-mad.
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