What do you call a kids book about otters? Harry Otter.
This must be decaf, cause you’re just dreamy!
Girl, you should not have covered your beautiful eyes behind those Versace sunglasses.
"You'd better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart."
- Grey's Anatomy
What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.
Girl, have we both been rendered sightless? Because we ain’t seeing each other anymore.
We all know that rooms are just empty spaces, and no one can even dream of making a delicacy out of them. The only room is the mushroom.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
What do you call a baby monkey? A Chimp off the old block.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball!
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
Will you come to my place? You can sure lower my heating bill with your hotness.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.
Why did the ghoul become green?
It was sick of eating brains!
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
An Native American drank 100 cups of tea.
Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
Date a hockey player, we always wear protection.
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alfie
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!
Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Because it looks like you landed on your face.
I must be the sun, and you must be earth, cause the closer we get, the hotter you become.
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