Why do so few vegetarians become competitive swimmers?
They don’t like the swim meats!
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Hey Cameron, did you know your name was an anagram for romance?
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite Elton John song?
A: Candle in the Wind!
Wind turbine mechanics and engineers are very fond of the blew color!
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you
A 9 hour time difference wouldn't keep me from you.
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?
Show me your mussels!
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
For you, I would slay two Goliaths.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
I can’t help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars… snickers
Do I know you? Because you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was trying to fetch a boomerang
Wholey-grain! You really bread my mind!
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
Did you hear about the gorilla with a screw loose?
He needed to use a money wrench to tighten it.
Variety is the ice of life.
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheep cheddar cheese.
What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.
it was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
My friend’s parrot lost his beak in a fan accident and he wanted to find a prosthetic. I sent him to my Uncle Tony.
He fits the bill.
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.
I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.
I'm no Joseph. Perhaps you can help me interpreting the dreams I've been having about you?
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
You're the ruler of my heart.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
What do you call it when a raven marries a crow? A conspiracy to commit to murder.
Hey, are you an anchor? Because you've done nothing but weigh me down.
Roses are red, violets are blue, with you in my head, this cow goes moooo.
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