What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”

I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.

I could work with the elves in the ribbon-tying department because I'm a pretty knotty girl.

You set my heart bonfire.

My friends were talking about what different colours grass they preferred.
I told them they were being gracist.

The fruit bat ate the orange because of its appeal. It had such a nice color.

“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett

A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"
"Eye Eye, Captain!"

Oh me, oh Jeremiah, that is one great face you have there

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?

Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...

Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".

Bobby: "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."

Many people think that the Abominable Snowman doesn't exist...
Yeti does.

What's the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.

I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?

In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.

Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time

Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.

Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.

Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.

My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.

What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.

What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.

How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.

“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing

What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?

Van Hailin’.

It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.

A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.

When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!

Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.

My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.

Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism

She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup

Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north

Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon

Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book

Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg

(Mike Gentile)

Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.

After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.

There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.

What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!

What can you serve and never eat? A volleyball!

Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed

Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.

What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Duckula.

Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.

Sorry for cutting you in line, I was hoping you believe in love at first sight.

What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate

Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!

Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.

What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.