Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.
Where do bats go to gamble?
Bat-lantic City.
Conductor on a train: “But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 19 years old!”
Me: "That's how long your delay was."
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.
"Standing next to you makes me feel better about myself."
- 30 Rock
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
What did the deer say after he finished eating?
“That was deer-licious!”
Cows will never make the police force because they simply refuse to go on steak-outs.
You're like my drug - when I'm with you, I feel Absinthe-minded.
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
A sun walks into a black hole.
The black hole says to the sun "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation".
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
What do you say when you catch a bee?
Behold!
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.
"The Full Moon is a natural furnomenon," said the werewolf.
My lips are like skittles. Wanna taste the rainbow?
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
How does Frankenstein speak?
Frankly.
Defeat in soccer is only bitter if you swallow it.
Why did the telecommuter lose his job? He had to many hang ups.
What do you call a skeleton who hangs out in coffee shops and listens to indie music?
A hip-ster.
Its ok to kiss a nun....
But don't get into the habit.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
I'm snow bored.
Why can’t people hear your scream in the space? Because it’s miles away.
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.
Sedimentary rock has got nothing on the many layers of your amazing personality.
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
Did you hear about the 2 apes that kept fighting with each other?
It was gorilla warfare.
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
I red a joke about colors once.
It blue my mind.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.
Honestly, I really lilac you.
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