"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"
I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
Some guy asked dad for the WiFi code.
Shrugging his shoulders and giving a sympathetic look, he responded: I can't figure her out either.
What is the cutest car?
A BM-cuddle-U
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
What do Russians call a bad WiFi connection?
Inter-NIET
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Are you cake? Cause I want a piece of that.
Did you hear about the Heisman Trophy candidate who falsified his rushing stats?
The yards were stacked in his favor!
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything.
His name was mediocretese.
What do you call a chicken that was struck by lightning?
Air fried.
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
I’m no Thomas Paine, but you and I are Common Sense.
I think we'd make a cute pear.
Why were the melon lovers sad?
Because they cantaloupe.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
I can heartly wait to see you.
Do you also feel the strong gravitational pull of my bed?
Your name must be Calculus Homework, because I have no interest in doing you.
Why should you swim in an ool instead of a pool?
Because there’s no “p” in it!
Why are tomatoes the slowest vegetable?
Because they can’t ketchup.
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
What do dogs eat for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
What's a bee's favorite novel?
The Great Gats-Bee
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
I'm usually not very prophetic.
But I can see us together.
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