Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business.
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
Did you get those pants on sale? (Why?) Because at my house they would be 100% off!
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.
What vehicle does a grammar teacher drive?
A Syllabus.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
I used to go out with a homeless girl, like you. It was great. I could drop her off anywhere.
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.
Wow, Charlotte, your name should definitely be Char-hot.
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane chocolate
'what's the Wifi password?'
'Its for security'
'Haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password?'.
'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case.'.
Do you want to die happy?
I've heard lovemaking is a killer.
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.
Hey, how’ve you Ben?
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
Have you ever heard of the Poder bird?
It is also known as the Toucan
What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling at Christmas?
Mistletoad.
Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory? Because she was a plant eater!
What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
Draw me like one of your French ghouls.
I was going to make another mountain pun but I can't think of summit.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
My love is like a fractal. It goes on forever!
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
How do you make holy water?
Make sure to boil the hell out of it.
What did the conifer say when he finally got alone with his crush? It’s just yew and me, baby.
I tried to make it to the end of the rainbow but didn't due to lilac of effort.
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
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