She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback.
What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
“Santa’s beard is so long because he’s bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?”
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...
That's probably going to come back to bite me later.
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.
What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?
Mumbai
Can I take a few shots at your goal?
I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system. They called it Interstella Artois.
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.
What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant? Lots of memory!
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
The storm was sad so we called it the sigh-clone.
Are you a dictator? Because you have absolute power over me.
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
Why was the marathon runner plucked out of the race and taken away to jail?
For resisting a rest.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
Hey, how’ve you Ben?
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.
That's a nice dress — where's the rest of it?
I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.
It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.
I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.
(Martin Dejnicki)
Even my new stainless steel cookware set isn't as slick as you.
I get beavers and similar animals mixed up.
I otter know better.
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
If you ever need directions, call for a navi-gator.
Levi's should pay you a royalty.
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
"Someone's stolen the grass from my garden," said the man looking forlorn.
What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?
About 1,000 miles.
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
A big black bug bit a big black dog on his big black nose!
I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
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